How to Hide Your Awkward Boner in Public
How to Hide Your Awkward Boner in Public
Boners. In some places they’re super useful, such as the bedroom, or an airplane bathroom. But they’ve also been known to show up in decidedly inconvenient and unsexy places, with little more than a light brush or a rumbling car setting you on a path to awkward, unwanted engorgement.
No one wants a sudden pocket rocket to cause ignorant, wandering eyes to view them as some kind of pervert. Luckily, a little know-how and maneuvering can help you keep your pants party hidden in pretty much any situation.
The Naked Mom
Where to use it: The most inappropriate places for an erection to exist: funerals, bar mitzvahs, kids’ birthday parties.
How to do it: This is nothing more than a mental trick. Your hands are tied, so you need to will your boner down with your imagination. What do you think about? Good question: you think about your mom, totally naked. Picture your mother, the woman who gave birth to you. Think about her naked flesh, the curvature of her body, the wrinkles in her skin. Did you ever accidentally walk in on your parents doing it? Great, use that. Notice how your boner is shriveled up like a discarded gherkin? You’re welcome.
The Choker
Where to use it: First dates and only first dates, when you want to make an impression, but don’t want to ruin it.
How to do it: With the speed and agility of a cat, gingerly reach into your pocket and wrap your hands around your wand. With the type of grip that would render a person unconscious, squeeze the life-force out of your plumper. The blood will soon retreat from its pecker prison and go back into your brain where it belongs. If your date asks you why you’re grimacing, tell them you’re thinking about all the brave souls who died on the Titanic.
The Waistband Trick
Where to use it: The gym, the park, anywhere sweatpants are appropriate.
How to do it: With your dominant hand, reach into your pocket and grab onto your jimmy. Turn it counterclockwise upwards while the opposing hand’s thumbs pulls open the waistband. In one fluid motion, position the boner between your skin and the waistband of your pants. Cover with your shirt and pretend like nothing happened.
The Buffalo Bill
Where to use it: Work, on a casual date, jury duty.
How to do it: You know who we’re talking about when we talk about Buffalo Bill. You gotta tuck it, guys. If you’re sitting, stand up and place both hands on that inconvenient boner. The next step requires a little light fibbing. Pretend you’ve just seen something sharp on the ground and take a huge step with your dominant foot. In the process of stepping, thrust your wang under the mid-air leg and use the momentum to lock it in place behind your thigh. If you’re feeling advanced, put on the song “Goodbye Horses” and ask yourself if you’d fuck you. But please — don’t kidnap or murder anyone.
The Flex
Where to use it: Dinner with parents, lunch with your girlfriend’s parents, anywhere you don’t want a boner.
How to do it: Redditor, Masterwad, puts it perfectly: “A man can get rid of an erection by flexing a large muscle for about 30 seconds or more, like both thighs. If you’re sitting, rest your feet on your toes and push off the ground as if you’re just about to stand up.” That’s some next level Jedi shit, people.
The Cube of Truth
Where to use it: Anywhere ice cubes are available.
How to do it: While nobody’s looking, reach into your glass of water and extract an ice cube. Next, cube in hand, adjust your belt. While adjust, cautiously slip the ice cube into your boxers (or briefs, depending on how you ride) and press the ice against your pink helmet. The cold will give you appropriate shrinkage and secure your name on the list of “people who don’t get boners in weird places.”
The Box of Puppies
Where to use it: Only as a last resort when someone of dire importance is nearby. For example, when meeting Hillary Clinton or a high-ranking Kardashian.
How to do it: Find five or six puppies — cute ones, too. Put them in a big cardboard box and leave the top open. Hold the box in front of your crotch. You think anyone’s going to be looking for signs of an inappropriate erection when they have six adorable puggles in front of their faces?
The Pocketeer
Where to use it: Dinner parties, galas, graduations
How to do it: The Pocketeer is one of the oldest tricks in the book — you simply stick your hand in your pocket and desperately push your bone-piece against your thigh, hindering its power through the iron shield that is your hand. However, this is where most people go wrong: you need to use your other hand as a trick — an illusion. You have to tell a story and, with the free hand, gesticulate like an Italian grandmother. Draw the crowd’s attention away from the hand covering your dick and don’t give them the option to turn their eyes away from your twirling, flitting, spinning, flicking wrist.
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Jeremy Glass is a writer at Thrillist and this is his magnum opus. Give him your hot tweets: @CandyandPizza.
